Thoughts...and struggles

So today, I was thinking about some of the things going on in my mind lately and kind of had some realizations. I'm not sure if any of this will make any sense, but I'll do my best.

Like most people, my emotions/feelings/thoughts are on a constant rollercoaster. There are things that will one day make my good mood bad and vice versa. One of the struggles I have is one that many women experience...the longing to be wanted by a guy. Usually I'm ok and content with my singleness. I totally believe that God has me single right now for a reason and I fully trust that plan He has for me. But that doesn't take away my desire to be with someone. Recently, I've found myself thinking about this more and more...especially when I'm around guys. I find myself at times thinking in my head that I need to impress them somehow to get their attention so that they might notice me. Not only do I find myself doing this towards guys I am attracted to, but also guys that I'm not. I was thinking about this today and why I do it. Clearly it's because I feel like I have worth if a guy gives me attention or notices me. I know in my mind this is crazy but for some reason, I still get these thoughts.

The next thing I realized was that I compare myself to others a lot...especially other women. I didn't notice it too much until I was at Big Break this year. It was a constant battle as I found myself comparing myself to other women's physical appearance as well as personality. Not only do I make those comparisions, but I found myself thinking things like "That guy would like so many of these girls before he liked me" or "I wouldn't like myself if I were a guy". I would think these thoughts and right away know they were crazy, but they still found a way into my head!! As I thought about why I allow myself to do this, I realized that I've been in a constant battle of wanting to be liked...by both guys and girls. I'm the type of person who loves friends, wants to be liked by all people, and hates confrontation because it could possibly cause someone to not like me (or so I think). I realized that I've longed to just have close friends that liked me no matter what all through my life, but never really got the chance to maintain close friendships through the years. I moved a lot when I was in grade school and didn't settle down until the middle of 6th grade. I was always having to change schools and make new friends, so I didn't get to grow up with my childhood friends (although I've kept in touch with a couple). I grew to be really shy because, in my opinion, I was afraid of having to move again. In high school, I never really found a close group of friends, but rather was "surface" friends with a lot of people. I was always wanting to just be liked. However, I often felt like I was the one who people "forgot to call" when plans were made...I didn't really have those friends in high school that I did everything with or could just turn to when I needed someone. I had more of those types of friendships in middle school, but they seemed to dull as high school progressed. I didn't really realize the impact this had on me until I got to college. I slowly started to realize that I didn't have anyone to really go home for. So many times I went home for breaks and hardly ever had social plans. People hardly called me to include me in plans. I just recently realized that maybe this is the root of why I compare myself to others and sometimes don't see myself as good as others. I didn't really have those friends that always wanted to spend time with me. Don't get me wrong, I had friends in high school...and when I hung out with them outside of school, it was fun. But I mostly had friends that I could only hang out with in a group...I could hardly spend time with them individually because that true friendship wasn't there. I'm not sure if this is making sense, but it kind of makes sense in my head.

It's been hard at times because I just get these stupid thoughts in my head...I'm not very outgoing compared to some people which makes me boring...I don't have something I'm really good at...I'm not the most physically fit person...etc. These thoughts then lead me to think "What guy would see those things and be attracted to me??" Like I said before, I know these thoughts are lies. I know God doesn't think that about me at all and I know they're not true. But for some reason, I still think them and they drive me nuts. But It totally makes sense as to why I loved things like SDSP and Big Break, and why I'm excited to live in the FLOCK. Things like that make me feel part of something...part of a group...and I start to feel wanted. I feel loved by the women I've met through Crusade things like that and I'm starting to feel like I have a place and a "group". I'm starting to feel like there are people who genuinely want to spend time with me because of who I am.

It's still going to be a struggle against the thoughts that enter my mind. I don't want to justify my worth by how much I feel accepted by others...both guys and girls. But it's so hard not to do that. What girl doesn't feel loved or wanted when she gets a hug from a close friend or when a guy wants to pursue her? These things make the lies in my head really seem like lies because I feel like I have proof against them. The fact that I can't use God's love for me as proof only shows how much I'm not relying on Him to change the thoughts in my mind. It's sucks to have this type of struggle, but it's so awesome that He's shined light on it after so long...I now just need to lay it all at His feet...all of it.

I miss the beach :(

Well, Big Break was amazing, as always! This picture is the view from our beach side condo! It was so gorgeous! Ok, where do I start? The 20 hour bus ride wasn't too bad because a big chunk of it was at night when we were sleeping, so it seemed to go pretty quickly. This year, we stayed at the Boardwalk Beach Resort, a brand-new resort, and it was so nice! I had 7 roommates, including Lia and Katie J, and then 5 underclassmen that I didn't know before last week. We all got along well and I enjoyed getting to know them! The weather all week was beautiful! It was at least 70 degrees and sunny everyday! This year, we had 72 people on Big Break! It had a really different feel than last year with such a big group, and the majority of them being underclassmen, but it was so much fun getting to know so many new people! I ended up making a group of good friends last week, and even better, they're all going to be here next year! I used to think that all my friends were leaving me after this year, but God has totally been faithful in providing me with good friendships with people that will be here! Katie J and I have grown a lot closer this year and it's been so great just sharing so many things with her! Katie, Lia and I hung out a lot with three guys, Mark, Ben, and John, over Big Break and we all just had a blast together! The evangelism throughout the week went well too! I was a little worried about it because I knew I was going to be paired with underclassmen who most likely hadn't shared their faith before. It was so awesome to see how much more confident I was in sharing my faith with having been to summer project last summer! The girls I went out with were really eager and pretty confident to talk to people, even though most of them hadn't done it before! One girl even led someone to Christ while I talked to another girl! It totally boosted my confidence with having spiritual conversations and I'm really glad to see how much summer project taught me! Anyway, I'm so glad I went to Big Break this year!! But I miss the beach so much! None of us wanted to leave! I really think I could live by the ocean forever. After a summer in San Diego and spending spring break on Panama City Beach, I really don't think I could get sick of the beach and the ocean. I decided I would probably miss snow right around Christmas time, but I would just go home and visit family then and enjoy the snow for a week or so! Maybe I can find a teaching job somewhere warm! :)

Well, school's underway and I have absolutely no motivation to do anything school related right now. I'm really excited though because my mom and stepdad brought up my new car today and I'm meeting with my new boss on Friday! Kyle, the guy who told me about the job, told me today how much he loves working there and that there'll be good summer hours because they're always looking for someone to help out. I can't wait to start working! I really need the money and I think it'll be a great job!!

I really need to update this thing more! Although, it's not like many people read it! :P Anyway, things have been going really well! First big news is that I got a car!!!!!! My mom and stepdad bought a car from a lady at my mom's work (98 Pontiac Grand Prix) and I'm going to be paying them back for it. It's still at home getting a little work done on it, so I brought up my mom's car in the meantime. It's SO nice having a car!!!! Like today, Abby and I decided randomly we wanted to make something for dinner and it was so nice just being able to hop in my car at a moment's notice and go to the store! I still can't believe I have my own car now!

I'm still waiting on the job I applied for. They sent in for a background check and they're still waiting to get it back. The thing that sucks is that, according to a policy they have there, they can't continue with the process until the background check comes in. So I'm basically just waiting until that happens. I really hope this job works out. I think I would be able to work at least 2 hours every day (M-F) and I think it pays pretty well. I don't know what I will do if I don't get this job. I really need to be making some money right now to pay rent, bills, and my newly added car expenses.

7 days until I'm in Panama City for Spring Break!!!!! :D I can't believe Spring Break is only a week away! I'm just excited to be out of this cold weather. We've had some warmer days (in the 40s, haha) and it gets me all excited for spring, and then the next day it's cold and snowing. I'm sick of winter!! We all had our winter fun...now bring on spring!! I'm also really excited to go to Big Break. We have 65 people going!! A record high!!! Plus, there are a ton of underclassmen going (way to represent!!), so it'll be fun to get to know so many new people. I'm interested to see if Big Break is any different this year after going to SDSP last summer. Big Break is basically a mini summer project, so I wonder if I'll be more confident in sharing or anything. Although sharing is one thing I wish I would've done more of on project. Anyway, I'm just so excited for next week! I think it's going to be a blast!! I'll fill you all in on it when we get back!!