Thoughts...and struggles

So today, I was thinking about some of the things going on in my mind lately and kind of had some realizations. I'm not sure if any of this will make any sense, but I'll do my best.

Like most people, my emotions/feelings/thoughts are on a constant rollercoaster. There are things that will one day make my good mood bad and vice versa. One of the struggles I have is one that many women experience...the longing to be wanted by a guy. Usually I'm ok and content with my singleness. I totally believe that God has me single right now for a reason and I fully trust that plan He has for me. But that doesn't take away my desire to be with someone. Recently, I've found myself thinking about this more and more...especially when I'm around guys. I find myself at times thinking in my head that I need to impress them somehow to get their attention so that they might notice me. Not only do I find myself doing this towards guys I am attracted to, but also guys that I'm not. I was thinking about this today and why I do it. Clearly it's because I feel like I have worth if a guy gives me attention or notices me. I know in my mind this is crazy but for some reason, I still get these thoughts.

The next thing I realized was that I compare myself to others a lot...especially other women. I didn't notice it too much until I was at Big Break this year. It was a constant battle as I found myself comparing myself to other women's physical appearance as well as personality. Not only do I make those comparisions, but I found myself thinking things like "That guy would like so many of these girls before he liked me" or "I wouldn't like myself if I were a guy". I would think these thoughts and right away know they were crazy, but they still found a way into my head!! As I thought about why I allow myself to do this, I realized that I've been in a constant battle of wanting to be liked...by both guys and girls. I'm the type of person who loves friends, wants to be liked by all people, and hates confrontation because it could possibly cause someone to not like me (or so I think). I realized that I've longed to just have close friends that liked me no matter what all through my life, but never really got the chance to maintain close friendships through the years. I moved a lot when I was in grade school and didn't settle down until the middle of 6th grade. I was always having to change schools and make new friends, so I didn't get to grow up with my childhood friends (although I've kept in touch with a couple). I grew to be really shy because, in my opinion, I was afraid of having to move again. In high school, I never really found a close group of friends, but rather was "surface" friends with a lot of people. I was always wanting to just be liked. However, I often felt like I was the one who people "forgot to call" when plans were made...I didn't really have those friends in high school that I did everything with or could just turn to when I needed someone. I had more of those types of friendships in middle school, but they seemed to dull as high school progressed. I didn't really realize the impact this had on me until I got to college. I slowly started to realize that I didn't have anyone to really go home for. So many times I went home for breaks and hardly ever had social plans. People hardly called me to include me in plans. I just recently realized that maybe this is the root of why I compare myself to others and sometimes don't see myself as good as others. I didn't really have those friends that always wanted to spend time with me. Don't get me wrong, I had friends in high school...and when I hung out with them outside of school, it was fun. But I mostly had friends that I could only hang out with in a group...I could hardly spend time with them individually because that true friendship wasn't there. I'm not sure if this is making sense, but it kind of makes sense in my head.

It's been hard at times because I just get these stupid thoughts in my head...I'm not very outgoing compared to some people which makes me boring...I don't have something I'm really good at...I'm not the most physically fit person...etc. These thoughts then lead me to think "What guy would see those things and be attracted to me??" Like I said before, I know these thoughts are lies. I know God doesn't think that about me at all and I know they're not true. But for some reason, I still think them and they drive me nuts. But It totally makes sense as to why I loved things like SDSP and Big Break, and why I'm excited to live in the FLOCK. Things like that make me feel part of something...part of a group...and I start to feel wanted. I feel loved by the women I've met through Crusade things like that and I'm starting to feel like I have a place and a "group". I'm starting to feel like there are people who genuinely want to spend time with me because of who I am.

It's still going to be a struggle against the thoughts that enter my mind. I don't want to justify my worth by how much I feel accepted by others...both guys and girls. But it's so hard not to do that. What girl doesn't feel loved or wanted when she gets a hug from a close friend or when a guy wants to pursue her? These things make the lies in my head really seem like lies because I feel like I have proof against them. The fact that I can't use God's love for me as proof only shows how much I'm not relying on Him to change the thoughts in my mind. It's sucks to have this type of struggle, but it's so awesome that He's shined light on it after so long...I now just need to lay it all at His feet...all of it.